.... But there are a lot of things I have proudly done for myself.
I went to college. I modeled. I selectively clean obsessively (you like how I put "selectively" so my husband can't read this and call me a LIAR?). I write. But I have currently lost the will to really perfect my body to a point to where I am confident like I used to be.
Maybe it's the lack of sleep. Maybe it's the enormous amounts of laundry (WHERE does it COME from?). Maybe it's that sometimes I'd really rather spend time with my baby and husband, sleep, or read a dang magazine.
But lately, I just don't want to workout for me anymore.
So instead I'm doing it for my daughter.
I don't want her to feel the way that I did when I was younger.
I remember when I got my school picture back in 3rd grade, I hated the way I looked. Hated it. Down to my orange and purple striped shirt and my above the knee legging shorts. I was convinced that my head looked too small for my body.
I remember my friends telling me after 5th grade was over and gone, "maybe next year you'll get a boyfriend, Tara, maybe next year." and I secretly really, really hated them for saying that because it made me feel like I wasn't pretty enough.
I remember being obsessed (OBSESSED) with the folds under my armpits. As a 9 year old. I felt like I was the grossest person alive.
I remember dreading going prom dress shopping because I hated the way I looked in a dress.
I remember being called thick in college and thinking to myself "yea... that's NOT a compliment you jerk!"
I remember some rude frat guy on the bus getting bent out of shape about something and calling me a "fat b!tch" - not because I was (I actually weighed 30 lbs less then than I do now), but because he knew it would hurt me.
I remember doing every fad diet you can think of, starting early on. Atkins - check. Weight watchers - check. Vegetarianism - check. The All-Chicken diet (really?!?!?!?!) - check. The master cleanse - check. Slimfast - check.
I remember going to kickboxing classes 2 x a day 6 days a week and not eating. For like, 5 months.
I remember everyone complimenting me on my weight loss and wondering if anyone knew the extremes I went to to get where I was.
I remember a guy I dated for over a month commenting while I was eating some chips at a bar that that was the first time he'd ever seen me eat anything.
I remember limiting my calorie intake to 500 calories a day, and still feeling out of control and gross.
This issue with my body image (and some raging cases of disorderly eating)... it certainly didn't have anything to do with my rearing. I came from a healthy, loving family. I think it's just in my head. I'm certainly not proud of it. I certainly don't wish to think this way.
But I feel myself going back down the path of this negative body image.
And I DO NOT want that for my beautiful daughter Beulah. I don't want her to see that side of me. and I certainly don't want her to feel that way about herself. So I need to make it go away.
I don't want my daughter to know what a calorie is at age 6.
I don't want my daughter to know what the word "fat" is or feels like to be called.
I don't want my daughter to know me as anything other than a confident and happy mommy.
So, no. I'm not working out for me right now. I'm working out for my daughter.... because I want to be a better woman and not expose her to this issue.
I want her to know me as maybe not perfect, but confident.
I want her to know me as maybe not perfect, but active.
I want her to know me as maybe not perfect, but healthy.
I want her to know me as maybe not perfect, but happy.
So, she can follow in my footsteps. That is why I'm working out.