Sunday, February 16, 2014

5 Things to Do When Your Fat Pants Don't Fit

Let me just preface this post with this: I write you today from my couch, in my yoga pants, having just polished off some chips and salsa. My husband just snagged me a beer. So..... do what I say, and not as I do, right?? 

This post was inspired by a conversation I had with another military wife during a play date yesterday. As we discussed the status of our waistlines, I was inspired (only momentarily) to do something about it! We live in the suburbs of Chicago, and let me tell you guys.... The hibernation issue is REAL. All I want to do, day by day, is eat my weight in chili covered in cheese, definitely drink some beer, and maybe also have some chocolate, then promptly go to sleep.

When it is subzero temperatures and the millionth day of snow in the forecast, what else do you have to look forward to in life besides eating something really comforting and bad for you? (The answer is nothing; nothing else matters.)

So, here are a couple of things you can do to guarantee some movement in the right direction if you getting dangerously close to having to buy a new pair of fat pants. This list is both serious and funny obviously, so just go with it!

1. Drink obscene amounts of water. Don't over do it, but drinking a bunch of water not only keeps you full and keeps you peeing all day, but it also is totally a psychological thing too. Drinking water is the easiest thing you can do as a lazy person to feel like you are doing something towards your health. This is the ultimate truth.

2. Snack healthy. Eat a lot of baby carrots. This is specific, but it just serves as an example. If you have healthy snacks on hand, you won't tear into a bag of chips and salsa, as I just did. This is particularly important if you work. Because --- whether you are driving to and from work, or in a cubicle close to the snack room..... the temptation is out there! If you have a bag of carrots, maybe some nuts or some jerky, you will be in a better place.

3. Wear your fat pants. Wear them! Everyday. Until they need to be washed, then wash them and maybe even dry them, which will inevitably shrink them just a bit, making your reality even more real. When your fat pants are getting too tight, the last thing you want to do is wear yoga pants for a week (ahem....) because once you finally get up the courage to try your fat pants back on, guess what? YEA THEY WON'T FIT. Wearing your fat pants will remind you and motivate you not to continue down the path you are on.

4. Make an extreme diet commitment for just a week. This can be something short-term, guys. Don't make a commitment to eat paleo for a week, or try out Atkins. Sure you can do that, but chances are, if you do this for just a week, it isn't going to do much to help you out. I'm talking something short-term. For example, no Starbucks for a week. No fast food for a week. No alcohol for a week. I wouldn't generally recommend completely omitting something, but if the fate of your fat pants are at stake, it might be a good idea.

5. Commit to a 7 day home work out plan. Something easy. Let's not get crazy here because let's be real - if working out was a piece of cake for you, you probably wouldn't be in this predicament, right??! What I'm talking about is something that looks a little something like this (this is very general because you can make this as fancy or specific as you want):
(because we all know that we always start something like this on a Monday)
Monday - Core exercise plus upper body
Tuesday - Lower body exercise and cardio
Wednesday - Core exercise and upper body
Thursday - lower body and cardio
Friday - cardio and upper body
Saturday - Core exercise and lower body
Sunday - hardcore stretch
(This is NOT to serve as a proper workout routine. This is only to get you moving away from having to go get a new pair of pants.)

Good luck, ladies and gents - and let the force be with you.

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